The Tale of the Five Filter Wrenches

Once upon a time, I decided to work on my car. The highly anticipated, yet greatly dreaded 100k milestone had been reached, and it was time to make some changes. It was also time for a oil change on Gena's car, so I went to Oreilly's Auto and started buying parts. Half the things on my list were not in stock, so I was told to come back the next day to pick them up. The fuel temp sensor that also needed changing on my car was not available at any of the local parts stores, so I ordered that from the VW dealer.

The next day, I went back to Oreilly's to pick up the missing parts, and planned on getting to work first thing the following morning. I ended up with some free time (after getting Cora down for a nap) that afternoon, so I went out to do a few quick part changes on my car to make the next morning go a little quicker. Air and cabin pollen filters went in without a hitch, and the fuel filter housing came apart after battling with a stripped torx head bolt, but the new fuel filter was nowhere to be found. Sure enough, it was not on any of my receipts either, so I figured I'd pick one up the next morning while I was out getting the temp sensor.

Saturday morning came around, and we decided it was a good morning to celebrate our first Christmas with Cora. So while Gena was wrapping gifts, I went to get a few doughnuts to celebrate the occasion. After some doughnuts, great coffee, and a wonderful time unwrapping presents, it was time to hit the road. Since the closest VW dealer is almost to Baton Rouge, I had a bit of a drive. I picked up the fuel filter at Oreilly's, then got caught behind a train. Over an hour later, I was home and ready to work.

Things went well on my car, and the warning light that prompted the fuel temp sensor was finally out, so it was time to knock out Gena's oil change and get inside to help Gena clean and pack for our trip to TX. Or so I thought. While I was working on my car, I had the realization that the oil filter they sold me for Gena's car was probably the wrong one, and that the neighbor who lent me his oil filter wrench for the last change is no longer our neighbor. Since I had to go one size up on the torx socket in order to get the stripped fuel filter bolt off my car, I was planning on another trip to Oreilly's anyway, so I exchanged oil filters, bought a new set of bolts, and purchased my very first rubber-type oil filter strap wrench.

It was also my last rubber-type oil filter strap wrench. Since Gena drives a Mazda, the oil filter goes into a housing that has a very shallow, 14 sided housing cap, that is impossible to get a grip on with any normal tool. Apparently it is also impossible to get a grip on it with a rubber-type oil filter strap wrench. I went back to my car to quickly change the fuel filter, only to realize I was sold the wrong one. I went back to Oreilly's with a big smile on my face, returned the filter (since they didn't carry the one I needed), and exchanged the rubber-type for a nylon oil-filter strap wrench, just like the one I used millions of times in Iraq. I went home and got back to work. Did I mention the cap on the Mazda's oil filter housing was very narrow? We're talking less than an inch of gripping surface. The strap on this filter wrench was about 2.5 inches wide, and would not stay on. The tighter I got it, the more violently it popped off. Back to Oreilly's.

This time the smile was sheepish, but the goal was the same...I needed a new filter wrench. I wasn't sure what to go for this time, so I asked for some help, and was recommended a very sturdy looking set of filter pliers. Now I was excited, I thought surely I could get enough grip and torque on this darn thing to get it off. I was wrong again. I got plenty of torque, but I was honestly able to get more grip with my bare hands than with those pliers.

This was the last straw, I went straight to Google. I found a few sites talking you through an oil change on her car, but each one recommended a different filter wrench. I found one that looked like it would work: a 76 mm, 14 sided plastic cap wrench that was made specifically for this type of housing. I was slightly worried, since Mazda said the cap was 74 mm in diameter, not 76. I arrived at Oreilly's to make yet another exchange, this time with an exhausted, yet relieved grin on my face, and to my further relief, the cap wrench was listed as working for caps ranging from 74-76 mm. On the way home I went by Papa Murphy's to pick up dinner, because after all this crap, I needed pizza. Guess what? The new wrench didn't work. The housing cap was closed so tightly (which is probably my fault, as I was the last to change it!) that this cap wrench just slid around in circles when I turned too hard. I launched the thing across the parking lot, heard it smash into our building, and waited for Gena to come out and check on me.

No more smiles, and no more Oreilly's, as I was beyond embarrassed by this time. I got on autozone.com and purchased a fancy looking, cam-action, multi-toothed, 3/8” drive, universal oil-filter wrench to be picked up at the local store immediately. I received the ready-for-pickup e-mail on my way to the store, and they had the tool ready for me at the counter when I got there. As I drove home, I watched the sun dip down towards the horizon. It was very sad, as the sun had risen about 30 minutes before I left for Oreilly's the first time that morning. I got home, and, full of optimism, told Gena to put in the pizza. I went back under the car for what I hoped was the last time, and my fifth (and super bad-A) filter wrench did not work. After a few minutes of maneuvering, I was finally able to get the teeth to sink in, but I still couldn't get the thing to turn! This was when I had a terrible realization, one that I only now am able to admit. Any one of these wrenches might have worked if I hadn't tightened the damn thing down so hard last time!

One last burst of pissed-off adrenaline and the housing cap broke free. I let out a Sloth-like yell of relief and finished the job. I decided to use the cap wrench made for this housing to put thing back together, hoping that I wouldn't be able to tighten it too far again, put the undercarriage sound panel back on, and filled the engine with oil. As I was collecting tools, I realized I was missing the cap wrench. I looked all over the place, until I had a revelation. It was still on the housing cap! I reached my long, skinny arm down through the engine compartment, found the housing, and sure enough, the center of what should have been the smooth housing cap, had a 3/8” drive opening. Unfortunately, the thing was stuck. I had to get the ratchet, maneuver it down through the engine, blindly insert it into the cap, and twist it off. I dropped it. However, for the first time today, something happened in my favor...I heard a piece of plastic hit the ground. Finally, about 6 hours after starting on Gena's car, I had changed her freakin oil.

Since my fuel filter wasn't carried at any of the local parts stores, I ordered one online to be delivered to TX. (Un)Surprisingly, I was able to purchase, and ship this filter for $15 less than what the VW dealer wanted to charge me, and John, Weston and I were able to swap it out in less than 10 minutes yesterday afternoon. NOW we can celebrate Christmas!

The End